Dear Karmic diary,

Sorry I've been too depressed lately to even write, but that's the honest truth. The weather forecast has been for a long time overcast with showers and some rays of sunshine every now and then. The light that was my compass all the way to here is now dim and fading....I'm still walking my walk but as its been all uphill for a long time now, I need a plateau, a breather, and a nice valley to look forward to....Struggling for survival has taken over my life so much, there is no space for anything else. Mainly love. I feel drained in that department too...The love that lead me up to now, keeping my heart open and my light bright, is fading away too in the darkness of a reality of ignorance, in the lack of integrity, in ungratefulness and self-consciousness. My heart is closing and I begin to doubt my beliefs in the love and light sometimes - like today. For more than a year I have tried with awareness to show the way of love to those close to me and now, a year later, I see that neither of them learned anything. And so I feel I have failed in my efforts to show that love is what we are, and by allowing love to take over, you can only make the right choices - cause they are from your heart. I begin to understand that not everyone is on the same level of consciousness and some never want to get to another level, either. I was so naive to believe - even at forty two - that love conquers all! Silly me! Why can't I for once settle with what I've got, accept the crumbles that I'm thrown and shut up? Why do I always have to have it all or nothing? I love my partner and for a year now I have shown him nothing but how to open his heart and to feel, so he can feel the true love, our nature. So, I'm getting tired of waiting and waiting for him to see, hoping he'll be thrilled to feel more, experience fully, with an open heart to all, full of light.....This is my destination, this is where this train is going and you are either in or out. I'm also tired of being in my 'masculine' all the time because I have to survive under severe conditions. I long for my femininity to come back where I cared for wearing a lovely dress and get all done-up and went for dinners and to cocktail parties....I long for the carefree thoughts and the freedom. I feel no much different than a slave now. But more than anything, I long for a man to be in his 'masculine' and to lead the way - as he should be - in every way. Inside the bedroom and outside in life. A man with integrity, a man I can trust. That's what I long for most. 

Con mucho amor as always,

Tabitha