Fear of Commitment and the story of my life

Most of the times in my life a man gave me the 'fear of commitment' speech, he also asked to marry me shortly after. I don't mean anything by that, is just an observation. But recent events in my life have it (we had the same discussion last night with Wild-Ocean-Eyes) and I heard it again. And as I have learned to jump into my fears and fight them, I wonder, if I let him go, free, will that stop his fear? If commitment is what he is afraid of and I release him from his relationship to me, then he wont be afraid anymore, right? Probably right, but I also predict that he wont be happy. So, where is the fine balance between independence and commitment and has anyone ever found it? 

Men are generally afraid of commitment. For them, it is a situation of no escape where their most important treasure of freedom is given up. The dreaded “C-word” has always been associated with obligation and compromise, loss of independence, the sacrifice of sexual variety and the looming specter of financial devastation. And men love their freedom, we know that. For many guys, the very thought of making a commitment to one woman for the rest of their lives is enough to send them sprinting for the hills. But freedom seems to be the key operating word here and the one that is repeated the most in ‘C-word’ discussions. Men like to go out with their buddies or do their own thing without having to ask permission to do so. They don’t want to lose their personal space and they don’t want a partner who puts demands on them. They question whether they can have sex with one partner for the rest of their lives. They have been burnt and have bad experiences from the past so a horrid scenario is playing through their minds of history repeating itself. They hear sad stories from their mates and they get influenced. 

 

Fear of commitment is often not well understood even by those who experience it and I m talking from experience here. I didn’t know for many years that I was afraid to commit even though, as a woman, I was giving out signs that I wanted what every woman wants, commitment. It wasn’t until a serious relationship ended that I realized I had many issues to solve and need to understand my fears. In the process, and during my last three most important relationships in my life, I have come to recognize the different ‘commitment-fear’ categories that most men (and women ) fall into.

Fear of Commitment itself. I was dating for several years a German guy who was the classic type of afraid of making serious decisions and it took me a long time to realize that his fear had nothing to do with me. I was on the receiving end of fear of commitment itself though and always unsure if I was in a relationship or not. Between the ‘dates’ there wasn’t much going on, making me feel more that I was on a ‘booty-call’ than a relationship. At the end, I ended it and never looked back.

A couple of years back, I experienced the other type of commitmentphobia: Fear of committing to me. And this was about me all right. And the way you know that someone has the fear of commitment to you becomes obvious after a while, they say they love you, that you are a great person and even act as if they are in a real relationship but also say ‘something is missing’ in how they feel about you – my ex used to say that he ‘wasn’t in love’ with me…..You know, because you often feel not like their priority, but more like a fallback….And the worse is that they get obsessed with your imperfections, or your ‘neediness’, your ‘weaknesses’ and so on. We had lots of break ups and make ups during the year we were together because there was ‘something missing’ and at the end we split up harshly and with a lot of pain.

And I come to what I experience now, which is the Fear of committing to love. This fear is about the person afraid of commitment. He isn’t afraid of commitment itself (he is very committed in every other area in his life) and he doesn’t’ feel there is ‘something missing’ in his feelings for me. His problem is that one part of him values and desires love and commitment but another part of him fears that very thing he wants so much. He is very loving and caring (precisely because he very much desires love and commitment) and he treats me with sensitivity, kindness and understanding and he is very attentive to my needs. I feel I am in a relationship, I feel loved and appreciated. The problem with us is not that ‘something is missing’ from the relationship, no. I realized only yesterday that his fear takes off exactly because everything is so right about how he feels about me and the relationship – and that scares the hell out of him. I think he feels torn between extremes now – longing to take a step forward into a loving committed relationship yet dreading being drawn in….Sometimes fear triumphs over love so it will be interesting to see what happens next but ofcourse, the hopeless romantic me believes that love prevails….

Commitment means to show loyalty, duty or pledge to something or someone.

On a more serious tone now, I agree that commitment to one person is a serious thing. It shouldn’t be taken lightly and should always be made for the right reasons. Commitment implies obligation, and being held accountable. Some people have great difficulty with being held accountable because they fear reprisal. If no commitment has been made, there is no obligation. However, relationships are all about trust, commitment and making the decision to accept the responsibilities thereof. And while it is normal to feel ambivalent for both of us , it’s also exciting to finally open the doors to love without fear and resistance.

Resisting commitment because of fear is very common this day and age and I have many friends who are lonely because of that. This fear, or fears have their sources in many different places and whether it is from experience or from ingrained fears early in life, they are deeply rooted and hard to spot. Our emotional patterns begin in childhood and unresolved issues residing within are the roots for the fear of commitment, more than life experiences. Deep-seated fears that reside within don’t just affect relationships but other decisions in life like moving into a new job, or a new city, or making drastic changes in one’s life. Fear of failure, rejection and loss is usually at the core. And if our fears our ingrained, we need to fix ourselves before we can commit to anyone, get rid of the old skeletons so we can be free to open ourselves completely to love and trust.

As I feel happy and free within the space of my relationship with ‘wild-ocean-eyes’ man, I’m discovering that my attitude towards commitment is changing. Being committed is not taking my options away but it provides me with new different and exciting options which are long lasting and filled with substance. I love waking up to him every morning and I can’t even imagine going back to  waking up next to different partners trying to get through life by aimlessly getting dates that lead nowhere. Commitment can be beautiful, can allow love to deepen and the persons to flourish and grow from the nourishment of love. It’s with this hope that I will sign out now, that love will prevail….

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha