How afraid are we to be happy?

As my capacity to keep my heart open grows, my emotions have become stronger. Seeing my partner wasting his life in front of a computer screen makes me wanna scream “I can’t stand it any more, looking at a great man like you wasting his life like this! ” I want him to grow and see his fullest potential as I unmistakably can. “I love you and I want to feel you open with me”. But then I realize that some people are not ready for uninhibited love. My lover is a person who has been abused in the past and in need of his well-established boundaries in order to grow. But as I grow too, the time has come for me not to settle for anything less than unrestrained love. I want us both to give and receive unconfined, unsuppressed, untamed love. The kind of love which may yell and scream and cry and demand – without warning – because our desire for openness and communion is so intense.

David Deida says “Everyone closes every now and then. Everyone has their moments of laziness, superficiality and mediocrity. Therefore, patience, kindness, and support are the essential matrix of a healthy relationship. But some moments require passion’s intervention. Love can be gentle and nurturing. But love can also be angry, when you are  open. And such passionate love evaporates the moment its urgency has been received.”

And he carries on “No matter how self-directed you have grown, your feminine heart blooms when filled with love. When your lover denies you love, then you feel hurt, and you close. Suppose your heart is wide open, ready to flow with love, but your lover is unwilling, maybe even aggressively unloving. Wounded by your lover’s denial, your vulnerable heart cringes. Closing down, protecting itself, your heart hardens.

Your yearning is frustrated within the walls of pain’s closure. Anger builds. You shout. You make demands. You express rage. And under it all, your heart hurts, wanting only to relax open as love. Behind most feminine anger is the deep yearning for love.

The masculine heart yearns not so much for love as for freedom. The masculine heart dreams not of swelling in fullness but of finally being free, liberated from constraints. One day, if you work hard enough, your burdens will diminish. You will have enough money to do what you want. You will figure out a grand theory and the problems will be solved. You will finish your projects and no longer be constrained by obligation. You will know enough, have enough, or succeed enough so you are no longer afraid of loss or failure. “

“The love for which you long, the freedom for which you aim, is alive as you are open, now.”

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha

 

Dear Karmic diary,

Sorry I've been too depressed lately to even write, but that's the honest truth. The weather forecast has been for a long time overcast with showers and some rays of sunshine every now and then. The light that was my compass all the way to here is now dim and fading....I'm still walking my walk but as its been all uphill for a long time now, I need a plateau, a breather, and a nice valley to look forward to....Struggling for survival has taken over my life so much, there is no space for anything else. Mainly love. I feel drained in that department too...The love that lead me up to now, keeping my heart open and my light bright, is fading away too in the darkness of a reality of ignorance, in the lack of integrity, in ungratefulness and self-consciousness. My heart is closing and I begin to doubt my beliefs in the love and light sometimes - like today. For more than a year I have tried with awareness to show the way of love to those close to me and now, a year later, I see that neither of them learned anything. And so I feel I have failed in my efforts to show that love is what we are, and by allowing love to take over, you can only make the right choices - cause they are from your heart. I begin to understand that not everyone is on the same level of consciousness and some never want to get to another level, either. I was so naive to believe - even at forty two - that love conquers all! Silly me! Why can't I for once settle with what I've got, accept the crumbles that I'm thrown and shut up? Why do I always have to have it all or nothing? I love my partner and for a year now I have shown him nothing but how to open his heart and to feel, so he can feel the true love, our nature. So, I'm getting tired of waiting and waiting for him to see, hoping he'll be thrilled to feel more, experience fully, with an open heart to all, full of light.....This is my destination, this is where this train is going and you are either in or out. I'm also tired of being in my 'masculine' all the time because I have to survive under severe conditions. I long for my femininity to come back where I cared for wearing a lovely dress and get all done-up and went for dinners and to cocktail parties....I long for the carefree thoughts and the freedom. I feel no much different than a slave now. But more than anything, I long for a man to be in his 'masculine' and to lead the way - as he should be - in every way. Inside the bedroom and outside in life. A man with integrity, a man I can trust. That's what I long for most. 

Con mucho amor as always,

Tabitha