Hammam? Tamam!

GalataSaray Hamami is at the end of the
street across from the Greek Council
on Pera street

 Istanbul or “Poli” as we call it in Greece, is eternally connected with hammams, kebabs and a visit to Aghia Sofia and so after my first exhausting day in the city, Sunday morning I woke-up with my body craving for some tender loving care and I rushed out of the hotel like a woman possessed to find the closest hammam on tow. Ten minutes down the road and here it is: Galata Seray Hammam. A man by the door is giving me the brochure and asking: What service do I want? Steam room only or full service? I opt for the full service as it sounded exactly what my body needed. Another door to enter the ladies sanctuary and four hammam mamas greet me with golden teeth half smiles for interrupting their breakfast of tomatoes, boiled eggs and olives but I couldn’t wait, I needed the full service and I needed it now!

After I was given the traditional tea and had a cigarette with them while they were trying to make polite conversation in Turkish (dunno about the polite, I’m guessing) and lots of sign language, I was led to the changing rooms and offered a pestamal, a chequered special cloth like a pareo to cover the body and nalin, the wooden flip flops, I entered the steam room. Parenthesis here: The architecture of the hammam is a real treat for the senses too. For centuries, architects have tried to perfect the intricate geometry of the hararet or the steam room. The steam room is usually a high domed, octagonal (or square) room, revetted in marble, often with marvelous oculi to provide entry for sunlight that gives one the impression of staring into a starry night. The room itself is interspersed with intricate basins at various intervals and a heated marble platform, known as the naval stone or göbektasi, in the centre. End of parenthesis.
Since it was still early, I had the exclusivity of the room and as I laid on the naval stone couldn’t help but thinking how social hammams used to be in 18th century Turkey where men gathered to talk about politics and sports, while women kept their eyes peeled for suitable wives for their sons! 

Is this timeless quality that my battered soul was looking for though and within my first five ‘timeless minutes’ I was relaxed and sweating and ready for the next stage of the hammam ritual.  I had a choice of either lie on the marble surface and wait for the Turkish mama or in other hammams I've been to, I was given the 'kese' (an abrasive mit) where I scrub and rinse myself. Lazy me opted for the mama, and besides, the sound of the water trickling down combined with the steam, the tranquility of the place and the light from the ceiling, was all too meditative to break with movement.  

Once I’ve spent around ten minutes of steaming, and I was relaxed, sweaty and sleepy ‘Hammam mama ‘ enters the stage, with just her panties on, to give me the ‘full service’ treatment that  includes scrubbing with the ‘kese’ and rinsing and then comes the soaping which I always think is great fun, me covered  in a huge soap bubble while mama’s hands work tirelessly on my back and neck and I make little sounds of pain and pleasure alternatively.  

Last comes the shampooing and after that I was left on the marble surface to relax, feeling light with skin velvety smooth, cheeks glowing, pores breathing.
I couldn’t stay long to enjoy the ‘after’ experience but once more the experience was so rejuvenating.  I emerged  so squeaky clean that anything else I had labeled as a bath until that point, seemed like a splash in a stagnant puddle. 

It's been established again, that hammams are an eternal value - I don't mean the opulent spa type, but the traditional, authentic and unpretentious, Turkish hammams. 
Totally and highly recommended, always! 

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha

P.S. Tamam in Turkish means ok

Back together again (yeah!!!)

Singledom didn't last that long and might as well cause it was painful like Dande's hell...Wild-Ocean-eyes-man and I met last night and made up amongst lots of tears and 'love you' declarations.....And yes, there is no feeling higher than love, none that I ever have experienced anyway....I'm in love and I can't get enough! Today I catch myself day dreaming and drifting away to the magical moments of last night in his arms and in a haze of love, desire and summer breeze....Sometimes we are too harsh with others and we don't realize that in reality we are harsh with ourselves. The demands and unfullfilled needs that we crave from the others can not / will not be met by any other than ourselves at the end so we better look inside and solve our issues first, before looking for someone outthere to fill those gaps. Placing such a responsibility on someone else's soulders is doomed for failure and completely wrong. Our insecurities demand that we 'secure' the person we are with, one way or another, that we get that 'forever after promise' and live happily ever after. We tend to forget that is in the everyday life that the future is built. We tend to forget to be in the here and now because we worry about the future, we feel guilty and remorse about the past and we are cought in a lost space in between instead of being in the 'now' with awareness.

Generally speaking things are looking  up a bit but of course that's always a matter of perspective. Nothing major has changed in my life but yet, I feel happy and optimistic that everything will work out ok at the end.

I've got new revelations though and an 'action path' which I begin to follow, but more on that on my next post.

Till then,


Con mucho amor,

Tabitha

Back to singledom

14 months with lots of agony and ecstasy and back to being single again. My choice - well I was driven there, really. I knew from the beginning how this story will end but I just couldn't resist getting involved and showing the way. From the beginning I had told him that I'll be with him as long as I was good for him. Now, I felt I wasn't "good" for him anymore. It is true that we've shared beautiful, precious loving moments together and I will always treasure them in my heart. I ve been a lover, a friend, a teacher, a companion, a partner. I've been supportive, loving, kind, understanding and feminine. And by "good" I mean someone who can take you forward, poking you gently and lovingly to always improving and becoming a better you, a consciously happier you. During our relationship I've been receiving lots of spite, resentment and ignorance, lies and unfulfilled promises. And I answered back by showing the way of love and kindness, communicated with awareness, honesty and trust. I walk my talk and I stay true to my values and most importantly to my heart's deepest yearning for reciprocal love and trust. We learn our lessons together and hand in hand move forward. But sometimes people need more time to digest all that and that's acceptable, but you can't stick around and linger too long, cause then you'll be back stepping instead of moving forward. And here we are now. And so, our beautiful dance has ended and the music is silenced...  

There comes a time in a relationship where you reach that crossroad of getting more involved or getting out and we were stuck on that junction for a while now, I felt.....and as he couldn't take any step forward, and I can't go back, I've decided for us. Funny how, one day one person is the center of your universe and the next day they are not even there and you have to reconfigure the whole picture of your life without them.....But having said that, I was beginning to feel like a furniture fixture lately, I think he was taking me so much for granted that he wouldn't 'see' me.....And there were many other issues, of course, as they are in these cases, trust being one of them. But what I wanted to share here is what I've realized lately that many men perceive commitment and taking the relationship to another level as such a bad thing. They come out of bad manipulative relationships with demanding needy women and believe that all of us are like that, that we are predators, out there to get them and their possessions, so they have to protect themselves and their independence, their precious!

Here is what a friend (recently coming out of a bitter divorce) told me a couple of days ago when I was moaning about my relationship's loss of direction: " My bitter experience is that when a woman demands an upgrade of ‘commitment’ that is a physical demonstrationor shared resources  –it is not about me the person  – and the feeling of being  puppet in someone else’s emotional and material play.  Why I left my wife.  A demand or tactic to force living together/share resources in an unequal financial relationship will ensure damage to any relationship worth having.  It represents a warning to men that there are more (endless) demands to come, and that the relentless escalator of demanding and of endless further upgrades to commitment and status will surely follow."

Gosh! That is so cruel! When I first received his e-mail (and swollowed the venom...) I was shocked ( he later apologized by the way). The sad thing is that men don't start off in life being so harsh, scared and unkind. Its us women who do this to them and alter their psyche to no return, whether being their mothers, first girlfriend, whoever. Not fair on the rest of us though, the hopeless romantics and children of love who still believe with all our innocence and purity of heart that love will conquer all evil! You see, when women come out of a bad relationship, they believe even more in true love and trust even more in their hearts and in others. As for me, talking from the bottom of my wounded heart right now, I refuse to lose faith in love, cause it's like denying my true nature. Love is what we are.  And that's why when we feel moments of love is such a bliss, we return home, to our true nature. We are one.  

Lynne Franks illustrates in her own beautiful words what I'm trying to say here, so I'm quoting from 'Grow', one of my favorite, inspirational books:

"What most of us are either consciously or unconsciously yearning for is a relationship with another who will flow with our flow, mirror our dance, and, through partnership, create a more expansive energy than we can manifest individually. There is nothing more expansive than those special moments when our hearts swell almost to the bursting point for the simplest reasons - such as when you catch the eye of the man you love and you know exactly what he is thinking. Or when you spontaneously laugh at the same silly thing. When your partner is your best friend and you trust the deep connection between you, you feel both expansive and expanded by your love. It's as if you are invincible and connected with the whole universe on an energetic level.

A truly conscious, committed love is a grounded, courageous act. As author and psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, M.D., says in his wonderful book, The Road Less Traveled: "True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It's a committed, thoughtful decision. "

Making the decision to support another person on his or her journey of emotional and spiritual growth is an empowering one. Partners empower each other with their nurturing and mutual support, and it all begins with the courageous act of simply saying yes to conscious commitment.  If you stay authentically connected to each other, daring to face the issues that inevitably come up, you'll enter a place of joy, peace and grace. And when you join with another and give of yourself wholeheartedly, holding nothing back, other areas of your life will tend to open up and flourish. You will not only connect with the person you love.....but with your full potential, creativity and purpose.

We all have our own journeys to take, sometimes with another as a traveling companion, sometimes on our own. Living our lives based on love - love for self, love for a partner, and love for humanity - will help us conquer our fears and create a world of light, peace and happiness. "

As for me, I believe my true love is out there and one day he'll come to claim my heart. But before I start dreaming again of love lost and found, I 've got to stop the tears from running first....

Con mucho amor always  (on some difficult times)

Tabitha

P.S. A message to all abused men out there: Only love can heal your wounded hearts, but you've got to let it in and let the fear out....

Fear of Commitment and the story of my life

Most of the times in my life a man gave me the 'fear of commitment' speech, he also asked to marry me shortly after. I don't mean anything by that, is just an observation. But recent events in my life have it (we had the same discussion last night with Wild-Ocean-Eyes) and I heard it again. And as I have learned to jump into my fears and fight them, I wonder, if I let him go, free, will that stop his fear? If commitment is what he is afraid of and I release him from his relationship to me, then he wont be afraid anymore, right? Probably right, but I also predict that he wont be happy. So, where is the fine balance between independence and commitment and has anyone ever found it? 

Men are generally afraid of commitment. For them, it is a situation of no escape where their most important treasure of freedom is given up. The dreaded “C-word” has always been associated with obligation and compromise, loss of independence, the sacrifice of sexual variety and the looming specter of financial devastation. And men love their freedom, we know that. For many guys, the very thought of making a commitment to one woman for the rest of their lives is enough to send them sprinting for the hills. But freedom seems to be the key operating word here and the one that is repeated the most in ‘C-word’ discussions. Men like to go out with their buddies or do their own thing without having to ask permission to do so. They don’t want to lose their personal space and they don’t want a partner who puts demands on them. They question whether they can have sex with one partner for the rest of their lives. They have been burnt and have bad experiences from the past so a horrid scenario is playing through their minds of history repeating itself. They hear sad stories from their mates and they get influenced. 

 

Fear of commitment is often not well understood even by those who experience it and I m talking from experience here. I didn’t know for many years that I was afraid to commit even though, as a woman, I was giving out signs that I wanted what every woman wants, commitment. It wasn’t until a serious relationship ended that I realized I had many issues to solve and need to understand my fears. In the process, and during my last three most important relationships in my life, I have come to recognize the different ‘commitment-fear’ categories that most men (and women ) fall into.

Fear of Commitment itself. I was dating for several years a German guy who was the classic type of afraid of making serious decisions and it took me a long time to realize that his fear had nothing to do with me. I was on the receiving end of fear of commitment itself though and always unsure if I was in a relationship or not. Between the ‘dates’ there wasn’t much going on, making me feel more that I was on a ‘booty-call’ than a relationship. At the end, I ended it and never looked back.

A couple of years back, I experienced the other type of commitmentphobia: Fear of committing to me. And this was about me all right. And the way you know that someone has the fear of commitment to you becomes obvious after a while, they say they love you, that you are a great person and even act as if they are in a real relationship but also say ‘something is missing’ in how they feel about you – my ex used to say that he ‘wasn’t in love’ with me…..You know, because you often feel not like their priority, but more like a fallback….And the worse is that they get obsessed with your imperfections, or your ‘neediness’, your ‘weaknesses’ and so on. We had lots of break ups and make ups during the year we were together because there was ‘something missing’ and at the end we split up harshly and with a lot of pain.

And I come to what I experience now, which is the Fear of committing to love. This fear is about the person afraid of commitment. He isn’t afraid of commitment itself (he is very committed in every other area in his life) and he doesn’t’ feel there is ‘something missing’ in his feelings for me. His problem is that one part of him values and desires love and commitment but another part of him fears that very thing he wants so much. He is very loving and caring (precisely because he very much desires love and commitment) and he treats me with sensitivity, kindness and understanding and he is very attentive to my needs. I feel I am in a relationship, I feel loved and appreciated. The problem with us is not that ‘something is missing’ from the relationship, no. I realized only yesterday that his fear takes off exactly because everything is so right about how he feels about me and the relationship – and that scares the hell out of him. I think he feels torn between extremes now – longing to take a step forward into a loving committed relationship yet dreading being drawn in….Sometimes fear triumphs over love so it will be interesting to see what happens next but ofcourse, the hopeless romantic me believes that love prevails….

Commitment means to show loyalty, duty or pledge to something or someone.

On a more serious tone now, I agree that commitment to one person is a serious thing. It shouldn’t be taken lightly and should always be made for the right reasons. Commitment implies obligation, and being held accountable. Some people have great difficulty with being held accountable because they fear reprisal. If no commitment has been made, there is no obligation. However, relationships are all about trust, commitment and making the decision to accept the responsibilities thereof. And while it is normal to feel ambivalent for both of us , it’s also exciting to finally open the doors to love without fear and resistance.

Resisting commitment because of fear is very common this day and age and I have many friends who are lonely because of that. This fear, or fears have their sources in many different places and whether it is from experience or from ingrained fears early in life, they are deeply rooted and hard to spot. Our emotional patterns begin in childhood and unresolved issues residing within are the roots for the fear of commitment, more than life experiences. Deep-seated fears that reside within don’t just affect relationships but other decisions in life like moving into a new job, or a new city, or making drastic changes in one’s life. Fear of failure, rejection and loss is usually at the core. And if our fears our ingrained, we need to fix ourselves before we can commit to anyone, get rid of the old skeletons so we can be free to open ourselves completely to love and trust.

As I feel happy and free within the space of my relationship with ‘wild-ocean-eyes’ man, I’m discovering that my attitude towards commitment is changing. Being committed is not taking my options away but it provides me with new different and exciting options which are long lasting and filled with substance. I love waking up to him every morning and I can’t even imagine going back to  waking up next to different partners trying to get through life by aimlessly getting dates that lead nowhere. Commitment can be beautiful, can allow love to deepen and the persons to flourish and grow from the nourishment of love. It’s with this hope that I will sign out now, that love will prevail….

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha

Spring is for love....

I’m happy, I’m radiant and I’m in love! Spring time is officially here since yesterday and my heart seems to bloom together with the flowers. I haven’t been writing for awhile cause I’ve been busy with work, social life, organizing fundraisers, oh and taking photography lessons! But most importantly, because my love life hadn’t been that great lately and it took most of my attention and energy till it was solved. All I wanted to say is that if you really practice love in your daily life, stay with an open heart for all instead of judging and grudging, if you practice kindness, forgiveness and compassion, you are becoming a better person every day and that’s all that should matter to us. I like to believe that’s what’s happening to me and I thought I’ll share. I live my talk and I’m proud of who I’m becoming inside, everyday a bit more. Proud not in the sense of arrogance, but in the sense of giving credit to myself for the good deeds I do. That’s all. Well I don’t do it always but it’s good to be reminded every now and then, especially those bad hair days…..

 Anyhow, during a break me and my partner had recently, I just found on my laptop that I had written the text below but didn’t post, so I’ll share now. That was about a month ago, just after Valentine’s day….

Con mucho amor  always,

Tabitha

Taking a break.... 

Its time I spill my guts out again, to my one and only reader who bothers to still check and –even read -  this blog. Lately I’m being bombarded by life’s (and God’s?) irony and so I feel irritable and frustrated, claustrophobic and saddened. The country I live at is in a major upheaval which I’m afraid will result in a revolution of some sort, cause I figure, sooner or later all this collective negative energy and frustration is going to erupt, but that’s just me talking. The problem is that the surrounding upheaval has invaded my personal life and so now I can’t find rest anywhere, I feel I don’t want to be anymore, stop existing. I’m in a dead end with no way out and though I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, it seems very far now….I m in pain, I’m in suffering, I m not eating, sleeping or concentrating and so I figure….I’m in love! And I had to discover the hard way, just a few days after we’ve decided to take a break. And yes, I’m taking about ‘wild ocean eyes’ who I’m still dating ‘nd things were going well….till last Saturday. When we decided to take a break for awhile to see how we feel cause we were both issues to reflect on. I’m confused and lost as to what exactly ‘taking a break’ means and so I googled it and here are the results:  "Taking a break means not cutting ties to each other, but postponing the relationship temporarily to see where things are at." I like this definition, other than the 'see where things are at' part, because its vague and doesn't list specifics. To me, taking a break means taking a step back from a relationship that isn't meeting one or both partner's needs, and reviewing how the relationship fits into their life picture over the long term. Its about re-evaluating without the stress of the relationship itself. But the problem is that in the first two days I knew already and now it’s been six days and the pain of loss is unbearable. The sheer agony of love! And as we didn’t exactly specify the ‘duration’ of the break, the agony is exaggerated with the hope that the break will be over soon and everything is going to be alright. I’m trying to stay positive through this though the pain in my heart is hard to ignore, and have visions of us being together again and that I’m happy, radiant and full of love.

I push my fears away and stay positive with an open heart  and love….let’s see what happens! 

The season of compassion

As we grow older we become more tolerant, more flexible, more open in our views, our consciousness is expanded, we show greater understanding, we are more appreciative, more grateful, caring and loving. For who? But for ourselves, of course. First and foremost. And then for the other people. We feel content. It took me forty two years to be able to say this word and mean it. It took me forty two years to say the word ‘happy’ and mean it. Feel it my body, not just understand it rationally because I read so much about it in the relevant manuals. When you come to terms with you are, accept your life as it is, your job, your boss, your friends, your family – JUST AS THEY ARE – and you are fine with it, then you are  content. You can bury the old wounds now, let go of unfulfilled dreams, forgive the people that hurt you in the past,  and move on. Let go of all the old baggage as the year changes and start fresh and new, feeling aspired to go after your new (or old) dreams, to be creative, to be excited by life, to be exciting and inspirational, to share love, kindness and compassion with everyone. For me, that’s the way to approach the new year.  As this year is  coming to an end, I’d like to find some time in my busy social agenda and do this exercise I found at Robin Sharma’s website about making the next year better, or something like that. He gives very clear instructions about following five or six steps to complete your plan for the year to come and I won’t get into much details now, I’m sure if one looks on his website, they’ll find the relevant video. But I find it very inspiring and helpful and I’ll do that soon, I might be posting the results here since I did, after all, promised on my last post that I’ll come up with my own dream by the time I’ve posted again. 

Having a quick look at my year I have to say that’s it’s been a smashing good year, with  its ups and downs and love stories and dramas and turmoil and happiness and a good mix of moments of a not-so-dull life. I’m excited about the year to come, about spending holidays with new friends, about the quiet moments by the fireplace in peace and tranquility and about all the things that I’ve achieved and I’m finally kind enough to myself to give me credit for. Go girl!

And so, as passion is replaced by compassion, this holiday season I wish for everyone to share and receive love, kindness, joy, laughter, and lots of presents! Recession or not, it is, after all, Christmas!

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha

Unsettling Times

On times of social and financial turmoil like the ones we are experiencing now, how does one manage to stay calm and unaffected? Even a non-political person like me understands that the significance of what’s going to happen tonight to our country will affect our grandchildren and more, let alone our immediate and near-future. And no, this is not a political blog and it’s not becoming one, all I want to say is that the events of the past few days had their toll on me and I feel very weak and vulnerable lately, unsupported, lonely and lost. The one that hurts the most though is the realization that we are not in control of our destiny anymore….All your life you work hard, studied hard, struggled, gave battles over battles to succeed, believing in a dream within a monetary system that’s now turning to shambles in front of our eyes. And it bloody hurts. So, I’ve been crying a lot, feeling like I do,  and if I try to get to the root of it, I think it’s this: I’ve got nothing to look forward to. No hope. No dream. I feel empty inside. No happiness, nothing. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been thinking long and hard about what my dream would be, if I had one. And I come up with…..nothing. Looking back in my history I see a pattern of me following someone else’s dreams always. My partner at the time, or someone who I admired, or at times, I didn’t have one. But lately I did start dreaming again, for a bright future with me doing humanitarian work somewhere deep in the savannas of  Africa, teaching English to a class of children, playing, laughing and blissfully happy, radiating love and kindness. My other dream is to travel and take photographs. My other dream is to reside in another country eventually and come back here only to visit, or, ideally, to live in various countries. But, in short, you get the picture. I want out. I want out of a country that I never felt my own. I always felt I fell here by some accident, I’ve never experienced closeness or many similarities with my mentality, the traditions, or the culture  of my fellow men,  neither have I felt patriotic in any way (except when we win gold medals!). So, I think it’s high time I start drafting a back-up plan for my ‘grand exodus’ which I hope it will come sooner than later. Well, that’s up to me. I’ve met that girl during a mountain-bike trip recently, who lived in Wales. But her dream was to move to Whistler Canada. Being a keen mountain-biker and skier, I could see how a place like Whistler would appeal to her and she really motivated me because she was really pursuing her dream. She is now working hard as a radiologist collecting points for her application to become a Canadian citizen and she has figured it will take her about two more years before she gets there. But what’s nice about that story is that here is a person who is actively doing something on a DAILY basis so she can gain her freedom and truly go after her path to happiness. And I was so impressed by that, it got me thinking. What do I do? Nothing. So, the result of today’s very educational post is that by next time I meet you here, I should have a dream at hand and a plan for how to go about it. Robin Sharma has a very inspiring video on the subject, it’s actually under the title “how to have a better year” or something like that, but it's a great guide on how to plan step by step your way towards your goals. I will meditate on it. I promise. 

The other reason why I'm going through frumpy days is because I feel I'm not understood in my relationship. Perhaps  I'm exaggerating.  Everything was going so well lately, so why do I feel a void inside? What’s missing? I’ve been ‘poking’ wild-ocean-eyes and I’ve been a bit dramatic with tears and all, but I don’t get the reaction I expect and then that upsets me more. And what do I expect? His presence.  100%. We will start an in-depth conversation and he’ll blow it by asking about the grocery list or something like that. And then I close again. I’m sure if there is any woman who reads this, will understand me.  I need his undivided attention, to make me feel that there is nothing in the universe right now more important than me, that what I have to say matters, that discussing things openly is the way to keep a healthy and happy relationship going, and that to come to discoveries through discussion with an open heart is the nicest and more intimate thing that’s so fulfilling. But maybe I’m wrong. I’m dating a guy who stays silent when I cry and he tells me ‘it’s gonna be ok’ like I’m a child who just fell-off the bicycle. No, it’s not gonna be ok if we both don’t give our open heart, love and attention to this relationship. Relationships, like plants, need nurturing to grow and flourish. They don’t just happen just because two people spent time together. So, that’s where I’m stuck now. I love a man who can’t feed my desire to go deeper inside. Depths must be plumbed and old wounds to open, but how else can we go on to discover who we really are and to improve ourselves and go forward? I have said this before that my belief is that by removing the obstacles that hide the light, you move  towards the light. So, I’m now at a point parallel to the one of the government’s tonight: I’m losing my faith in him. I love him very much but I don’t know if he is the right man for me. And I have to pursue my dream, otherwise if  I compromise now, I might as well die. The way I feel right now, I’m not far from it, either. Like I said at the beginning. Empty. And very very very sad.

Till next time,

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha  

Contentment

This is going to be a short post just to share this: that if you stick long-enough to your beliefs and your values and don’t compromise yourself with the easier solution of the moment, then you’ll be justified sooner or later. We all know that, nothing new here. Is just because I’m experiencing it lately and it makes me very happy. I almost feel guilty being happy! But everything is going so well lately, I really count my blessings and I feel so grateful. Yesterday it was my birthday and for the first time in my 42 years of life I felt content. I was where I really wanted to be and I was – dare I say it? – happy! And now I understand why when you are in that state you can transmit that to others, the love, the open heart, the kindness are what attract people most, even unconsciously . But, back to me! Yes, well, professionally I’m finally in a job where I feel comfortable to be completely honest and I work for an employer who is kind, cares for the environment and supports many good causes both financially and physically.  I’m dating Mr. ‘wild ocean eyes’ who is starting to grow in me….the more time we spent together, the more I like him and feelings develop that I’ve never experienced before. And I’m loving it! I don’t know what’s gonna happen, for the first time, I have no expectations, no demands, I just enjoy the time we spent together and I share loving, caring moments. And that’s what feels great! There are no shadows, no skeletons, no tensions in this relationship right now, and it proves David Deida right once again, that when you have your heart open to your partner he/she will respond  equally – eventually. Which brings us back to the beginning  why sticking to your own values is so important. And it works!

This is what I enjoy most about this faze of my life, that I’m finally myself wherever I am, I am present and aware and I don’t drift to the future to avoid the here and now. I like my here and now and so I spend more time in it! Isn’t that what we all want at the end, to live a satisfying ,joyous life, now? It took me a long time to create my reality the way I wanted, and though I never knew what I was looking for, I never had a ‘big dream’ to chase or anything like that, I was a bit lost and adrift here and there but deep down I always knew that I had to follow my heart no matter the cost. And I did. And while I’m saying this now, I’ve got nothing to show for it, really. I’m a very average person with an average job and an average boyfriend, have created no wealth, no family, no fame. But, then, why do I get this feeling that I have finally ‘arrived’? It’s the first time I can honestly say that in my life, and smile. Despite my weaknesses, my smoking, my eating habits, my lack of discipline to do my daily yoga, my five extra kilos and all the wrong-doings I’ve done, I begin to like who I am, or at least, accept me. And as I know that no-one reads this blog, I can spill my guts out in my mini sessions of writing therapy, be completely honest, cause this writing is mainly for me to see where I stand in life. To stop and ponder, every now and then. I feel guilty for not being a better writer though, who will entertain you more with some humor, or at least make a better use of the English language by using idioms and even jargon every now and then, but that's not happening - obviously - and you, my only reader, are probably asleep by now, which is what I should be doing, too! 


Con mucho amor

Tabitha

A walk in the woods

Sometimes all it takes is a walk in nature to get you out of the rathole of everyday living in the city. Today I took one of those walks, and it was so invigorating in so many ways. Walking  allows me to think more clearly and while I walk I'm concentrating on my breathing and I try to keep a steady pace uphill and downhill. It's a sort of a meditation if you keep your mind focused on your breathing and your pace. You can feel the energy building up and combined with the clean fresh energy you inhale and the endorphines keeping you in a happy state, walking in the woods is an overall fulfilling experience in many levels and I enjoy mine every weekend for many years now. As I live in the city, I need to reconnect with nature quite often and so I love taking long walks on the mountains surrounding Athens and I highly recommend it to all the city-sleekers out there.....

love

Tabitha

Back on the saddle again....

I am attempting to make a slow reemergence back into the blogosphere. I do know not know why, considering I’ve got nothing really of value to say lately…..mayhaps because this writing is only for me?
I don't think anyone still reads this anymore nor have I made an announcement to my (one) reader, but I think it's better that way. You can be my audience for now. So, what I've been up to? Lately, I’ve been reading all those ‘relationship manuals’ on the internet, in an attempt to decipher the codes of my own mysterious one with the ‘wild ocean-eyes’ man….Yes, that’s been going on for the past six months (part of the reason of my disappearance) and I’ve got nothing of major excitement to report other than a confirmation in my theory that love is a constant practice. Sure enough, we’ve had problems, and it hasn’t been an easy ride. Break-ups and make-ups and little drama here and there, to spice things up. And all through the rough times,  I’ve been practicing love, staying open, staying connected. I can see what effect it has on others when you are truly listening to them and at the same time looking at the issue from their point of view. For starters, you understand them better. And though that helps, still the disagreements and the resistance were there. I found out that he doesn’t want to commit to me mainly for two reasons: my financial problems and because I might want children in the future. So at least I have deciphered the codes of the mysterious distant behavior. We know what’s bothering him, the question is, what do we do about it?

Well let's take the finances first. Lately I’ve been lucky to nab a job as a secretary (and much more actually) and I’m loving it. For the past couple of months I’ve been very busy and in a weird state between nerves and excitement . What I mean to say is that I’m trying to fix my finance disaster of the past two years and I feel I'm on the right track. It’s amazing what unemployment can do to your self-esteem! Not that I didn’t enjoy the free times and the all-day coffees, but enough is enough. I’m not one to sit around all day, anyway. I’m so happy I’m back in the working world, wake-up with a mission in the morning, dress nicely (and out of those torn leggings), mingle with people, be creative, be….useful! Yes, I got a job. Thank goodness.

 Anyway, to get back to the reasons why a guy who –otherwise- likes me, doesn’t want a serious commitment with me because of the reasons above, I think we’ve sorted the first one-for now. As for the second reason, I honestly don’t know. Agewise, I’m right at the limit of having kids. But with all what’s going on   collectively, and personally, I've been so busy to simply survive that I haven’t even thought about bringing a kid to my world right now. I can hardly survive myself! I know I’m pressed with time, but what should I do? It’s a big dilemma that’s been haunting me for a while and now with ‘wild-ocean-eyes’ man bringing it up, I feel like I’ve seen a medusa head-on: frozen! Ofcourse I forgot to mention that he doesn’t want any kids! Obviously! I wish I wasn’t confronted with such questions on times like these though, can’t I just hibernate this one?

Generally though, I think for the first time in a while, I’m excited for the future. January I’m off to London as we are participating in a trade show with work. Next spring we are thinking of trekking in the area of Jamsung in Nepal. My relationship is steady now after the latest hickaps (after all he called me ‘my love’ today) and – need I say this again- I’ve got a job!!!! And who knows what else is coming my way? So, Houston, all is good here.

Naff said…..I’m off to watch another episode of  'Misfits' and to ponder on what to do on my birthday which is in a few days!

Recommendations: I’ve discovered this inspiring South African guy who really lifts my spirits up everytime I’m down. www.upgradereality.com. Check him out.

Hm, I believe that is it for now. I am obviously procrastinating, but at least this was a good distraction.

love,

Tabitha

We are ONE

In a world where reality is so harsh, ridiculously unjustifiable, senseless and –sometimes-unbearable, striving for happiness and love seems like a paradox and so surreal. I almost gave up recently. I blamed it on my karma, and that perhaps I’m paying for all the wrongs that I have done in the past, I’m now being punished by being deprived of the only thing I want most in the world, for me and for everyone. To love and be loved. Deeply and with an open heart. To love ourselves  more, unconditionally. To love our partners. To love eachother and everyone on this planet, all seven billion of us. I don’t follow any religion, I only  follow one undeniable truth:  to love with an open heart cause we are all different living cells of ONE existence, of ONE spirit, we are ONE. 

The speck of sand, the wind, the dolphin, the wolf, the dog, the pigeon, the Palestinian at the traffic lights, the President, the rapist, the preacher, the atheist, the swami, the celebrity, the psychopath, the beautiful, the old, we are all ONE, each one of us part of a universal existence that lives and breathes as ONE. Let’s eliminate fear, hypocrisy and lies and substitute them with compassion, understanding and kindness. Lets swop resentment with forgiveness, anger with laughter, hatred with love. Let us become eachother’s inspiration in becoming better and better everyday. Let us learn from the examples of the people around us. People with integrity, people who dare to stand out and voice our rights, people who dedicate their lives to make ours better in whichever way they can, people with good aesthetics who make our environment a joy to be in, people who entertain us, people who protect us from harm, people who break the status-quo, people who give generously, people who are daring, caring and loving…..These are our everyday heroes, our examples to follow, our proof in our  own doubts of inadequacy….

 In the meantime, and in my own reality, I’m back after an eventful summer, lots of people came and gone, some exciting moments, some loving ones, some sad ones….My life finally has taken a turn for the better, I feel I m on the right track for the first time after years and years of searching, of compromising, of hardship….It seems that all the internal work I’ve been doing, getting better and better and better, fighting my fears away, adjusting to a more grounded reality , is finally paying off. And yet….something is still missing. I’m unhappy. My life is full of fun activities, a new job, a handsome boyfriend and 444 friends on facebook but I feel lonely and – most of the times – hopeless. I feel that nothing has no meaning anymore, and that the date of the redemption has past. It’s too late to do anything to repair the broken pieces, my broken heart, this broken planet. But, even in my darkest hours – like this one – I’m reminded from my practice to move towards the light. Correct all the wrong-doings of the past by doing more and more good deeds from my heart. By helping people whatever way I can. By keeping my heart open to all, and not take things personally (yes, I do practice the four agreements – Don Miguel Ruiz).  By keeping the awareness live and by being present. By fighting my addictions and my insecurities. I’ve got to move on. I’ve got to move on, towards the light…..That’s my only mantra and when I run my life’s marathon, this is what I keep repeating to myself so I can take one more step and then one more…..

       So, as I’m off to a tropical party on the beach in a few minutes, I’ll remember to put a big smile on, be entertaining and witty, feminine and attractive, fun and untroubled as a girlfriend,  social and friendly to all. 
I really don’t see the meaning of this right now, but I’ll try….after all, that’s my life. I just have to decide whether I like the life I lead or not…..and I’m not sure.

That’s it for now, apologies for being away for so long…..

Tabitha

Silent despair

Why is happiness so difficult to achieve? 
Just like a butterfly, you can be chasing it all the time and the moment you think you are near, almost at grasp, it flies away again. And again. And again. But if you stay still and wait, the butterfly will come to you eventually. This is what I was told recently and now I’m contemplating the meaning of this. It’s Tuesday night, in a decaying city, I’ve just watched hundreds of people all gathered in the main squares in a silent protest against the misery that has become our norm, and then I’ve watched a movie, Miral, about another misery in another land that’s claimed by people who can’t live harmonically with eachother. In other words, what I experience inside, I see it happening outside. Oh, and today is the anniversary of my wedding. Or was. Not the anniversary. The wedding. It no longer is. It lasted about six months and then, suddenly, gone. Everything. My life as I knew it. My newly found friends. My newly found family. Gone. Just like that.

Anyway, back to happiness. According to all my spiritual books, happiness is our natural state. So, what is it that brought us to where we are today? Amidst conflict and destruction, violence and immorality, sadness and despair? I feel I’m surrounded by disappointed, disheartened people everywhere, people who don’t even know that happiness is their birthright, because this is who they are, but instead of looking for happiness, they are so used to live in confusion and dishonesty all their lives, they don’t know otherwise. Imagine if there was honesty in this world. Well, I can’t, to be honest! I don’t know what it would be like. Very awkward, like that movie with Jennifer Gardner , 'The Invention of Lying'. Imagine politicians being honest. Doctors. Even car-mechanics! But I’m getting carried away here, that’s not the point that I want to make today though it’s an interesting topic for a future post. Ofcourse, I have to mention the fact that in world politics, if the politicians had a thread of sincerity in them, we wouldn’t be in the mess we are today. 

But how honest can you be? All the way? Like that movie? I guess a middle way is not considered honesty anymore, but it has troubled me lately whether keeping silent for some facts, it breaks the law of honesty or whether it is your personal right to keep some things to yourself. I’m used to be open and honest but lately I’ve been accused by my best friend that not revealing all the facts is equal to lying. And today on a beautifully set date with wild-ocean-eyed guy, I think I revealed too much and scared him off. So how much truth is enough so is bearable? Can you really measure truth? Too much can hurt, too little  is  a lie. And is it really the truth that we are searching for? I’m not convinced. We think we are, but bottom line is that we are after the thrill that we get when we are so close to the butterfly, almost there, arms spread, one more jump, almost catching it, and yet, it slips away again. We carry on this way thinking we know it all, we know the truth but because we are too afraid to look it in the eye, we hide away, locked in our apartments, weak, miserable and lonely,  ignorant, insecure, lifeless.  In my mind, the truth is that we are afraid to be happy. Because happiness is a daily practice. And practice requires work to be done with discipline, patience and an open heart to all. And not everyone is willing to do that. In fact, very few people are. A wise man from the Andes of  Peru once told me ‘Who said happiness is easy’? and he couldn’t be more right. There is work to be done, depths to be explored, obstacles to be removed, shadows to face, wounds to heal, addictions to deal with, demons to fight. One must be mad, to go through all this. No wonder people are not really interested in the true pursue of happiness. They think it’ll come sky-diving, like a lottery win or a galloping white knight. 

For me, the openness of our hearts is what shapes our reality and the fact that our reality is so gloomy and sad depicts the hearts of all these people in the city that I saw gathered today - a silent despair. Last year this day was the happiest of my life. This year this day, is one of the saddest. I cry over the state of this country which I love, over the state of the people, over the state of me. The silent protesters  that are taking over the squares are spreading in our hearts, the silence deafening. There is a big wound in our lives right now. Inwardly and outwardly. But life often hurts, as we all know. And so does the truth, sometimes.

So, have we all become truth-intolerant?  

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha

On independence

Why would you think independence falls into the same category with beer, football, and messy toilet seats? Because it’s a guy thing. It’s the first thing they tell you when you start seeing them along with their favorite players in Man United. It’s a totally guy thing, invented by them, enjoyed and solely used by them. ‘Oh, I like you but I don’t want to lose my independence’. In opposed to what? Slavery? Heck,  they think so highly of it, they might as well all celebrate on Independence day, afterall  it was 56 who started it and now they got half the population of the world as followers! Forget the historic meaning of the day, this is much bigger! This is half humanity who swears by the word, shivering with the single thought of losing it. I mean, what do they think that we gonna do anyway? chain them down with iron-balls and put them into hard labor? I never heard of a woman saying ‘hey  babe, I would see you tonight, but I’ve got to go down the pub with my mates for a beer, it’s foottie night!’ No, because us women ( except for the fact that we don’t drink beer and watch football) deep down  we do want to lose our independence! Still hanging on the fairytale’s happy ending that the prince will show up and life will become better in an instant, we don’t mind giving up our freedom for the sake of a good date, many times canceling already made plans when that  phonecall comes the last minute. Many of you might say, no, not me, but I know, I’ve lived it with all my girlfriends over and over, I’ve been there and done it myself. I’m not saying that either of us should be available 24/7, that’s boring and wrong. Is just that over the years the realization came that freedom comes from within. The same freedom that kept Nelson Mandella’s mind independent for 27 years imprisonment, the same freedom that you can have when you are in a bad job, in a bad marriage, in a situation you don’t want to be in, it’s the free spirit in all of us that keeps us going when it gets tough. Independence has little to do with the outside and lots to do with the inner world. 

Do you feel at peace in your own skin, alone, doing nothing but just enjoying your own company? Do you feel aligned, body and spirit? Are you honest with everyone around you, including yourself? Have you stopped taking things personally ? How attached are you from all things that make up your life today? Are you here, now? These and many others are just examples of the locks we all have to our own chains that keep us slaves to our thoughts ,our minds. Having been a free spirit all my life, I strived for nothing else, than to achieve just that. I’ve watched my outside world falling apart over and over but I wouldn’t give up the fight for ‘the precious’. It’s taken a long and steep road to get to where I am today.

The inner freedom that I experience lately, allows space for spontaneity, for my day to develop as I want it, sucking as much enjoyment of it as I feel like it, when I feel like it. Even when I do chores that I don’t particularly enjoy, I think of all the positive things that can come out of it, and that helps me being more focused to the work at hand, being from washing-up to filling-up tax forms. Staying in the moment, not letting your mind drift away to the tomorrow’s and the yesterday’s allows you to enter into a ‘portal’ of freedom that has no boundaries, inner or outer.  But freedom requires discipline, otherwise you wouldn’t know you had it! Anyhow, I’m not sure now how we came to that, I started off with the independence issue, a hot issue for all of us. To me, independence is detachment. Recognizing that my thoughts create my emotions and they create the attachments to this and that, was the first step I took towards true independence. Detachment. Knowing that without nothing, sleeping under the stars, I’ll still be happy. Very happy. Everything passes and nothing passes, a friend reminded me the other day, a phrase he uses very often. 

So, back to the guys and their independence.  They can be as free as they like, out with their mates, flirting with girls in bars, what have you whilst in reality they longed to be curled with you in bed sipping wine and exchanging oil massages….but no, they’ve got to honor their independence and do their thing.  And to be quite honest…. I like it! The sight of neediness and clinginess I see in so many couples (and particularly women) around me, gives me the chills and personally I’m not going down that road again. I believe we all need space to grow and keep developing our personalities whether in a relationship or not. It just dawned on me now that I brought that issue up because I’m dealing with it lately, with standing on my own feet. Apparently it’s the reason that my last relationship ended, I became too dependent on him, with no life of my own. Is it true? I don’t know, yes and no. What I saw as a natural development in a relationship after a year’s time, he saw as dependence. So, I’m not clear about that yet. 

Could it be that our need for love overcasts our individuality and we forget who we were when the prince comes along and we ride on his horse? Or is it simple-and ever-present- insecurity? Do I need love, or do I want love? I believe that I want a guy who wants me, not a guy who needs me. Who wants to love me and I want to love him back. Neediness has no space in my life anymore. And so, this is my declaration of independence, I sign it today and try and remember it tomorrow when old patterns resurface and new challenges come….

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha

With an open heart

Gosh it’s been so long since my last post, and I sound like I’m in confession now…But so many things have happened, I like to believe that there are good things, but only time can tell…First, it was the meditation retreat. Wearing nothing but my peaceful warrior’s armor, stripped from egos and ready to endure the long journey inwards, off I went. First time in my life I was silent for so long! One of the  rules of a vipasana meditation is that you avoid eye-contact, walk with your head down, and try not to stick-out (sounds like being a tourist in New York!). Hours on end I sat in a meditative pose, letting my mind drift off to the weirdest places called my thoughts, observing them, questioning them, analyzing. Sure, there were moments where I was really meditating, as I’ve been learning to do, during which, there was no thoughts, no me, no persona, no being. Moments where I just vanished and became one with the universe. I’ve enjoyed every –long-minute of it, regardless of the pain in my legs and the stiffness of my body, regardless of the inner pain caused by the discoveries and the realizations of all that I’ve done that I wasn’t proud of. But I had an intention. And as always when I’m under such conditions of trying to get to roots and the truth I had an intention which kept me going on and on till I got to the ‘clearing’ out of the jungle of tangled branches that occupy my mind, and that’s no other than the Light. I always seek to get to the light, meaning, that’s my ultimate goal, it’s the end of the path and it’s the path itself. By shedding a light to the dark corners of my mind – similar to what I do in yoga with my body – helps me get to a deeper understanding not of the ‘why’s  but of the ‘how’s. I find that the ‘whys’ are much easier to answer and if you go down that line, it’s endless, as you can always answer a ‘why’ question with another ‘why’ question and so on….But the ‘how’ gives you answers which are immediate, can be followed and acted upon.  They also help by eliminating less viable options in a situation as instinctively you know which is the right path to follow, even if your ego resists because it might not like it.  The ‘how’ question could apply to everything and it’s a good wake-up call when you are uncertain about a situation. 

To sum it all up, the meditation and silence retreat went down well, I’ve been much more ‘in tune’ with my inner self lately and that so far has brought wonderful things my end, in the weeks that followed. Right now I’m dog-sitting at a friend’s villa in a fairytale garden. I'm watching the wisteria growing more purple flowers over the pergola everyday, listening to the  angelic voice of Hayley Westenra singing and enjoying this magical country paradise with the golden retriever sleeping on my lap, surrounded by spring floral scents and the song of the frogs at dusk….And it doesn’t end there. Tomorrow I’m going to watch my favorite opera, Carmen, and my work is improving day by day and I can see me even….enjoying it! Now when I go to the office, I laugh and make jokes with my co-workers, I’m approachable, I actually talk to them and they talk to me back. There is no tension (so far) and I feel quite good and I begin to gain my confidence back, realizing that I’m not that bad, after all….The truth is, that I begin to like my life, and that’s a revelation on it’s own. I’m so used to look at all the bad the sad and the ugly, I forget all about the good things that are thrown on my feet daily. I’m not going to go on about gratitude again, but yes, I’ve got so much to be grateful for. All of us.  Right now I feel very grateful to my ex, for instance, for letting me go and having the courage to end a relationship that was not happy. Though I spent all winter breaking my head with the ‘if’s and the ‘why’s, the answers came to me loud and clear lately that now I had the space for new things in my life, and that’s why I was so open to everything that the universe brought my way, be it a job in another country, new activities, new friends. 

But I had to go through a very frightening period of self-examining and uncovering lurking shadows disguised as behavioral patterns that we follow unconditionally unless they are pointed out and in the open. I went low, like a limbo dancer, as low as you can go, I was hurting, I was gasping for air in the dark cells of my unbearable existence. I pulled through though, all the training I’ve been doing is beginning to pay off now, me thinks, and the moments in the day that are happy, are increasing daily. Isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day? To be happy? Is there anything else? Being happy is our natural state, once you feel it you know, there is no other way we can be. So my goal is to remove all the obstacles of my way to happiness simply by dealing with them.  Easier said than done,  so many challenges pop up daily that we have to deal with, with honesty and an open heart. And let’s not forget, that love is a practice that requires discipline, commitment, consciousness, truth, intention, integrity and-always- an open heart. Imagine if all people practiced love daily, how different this world would be…just imagine....

Con mucho amor,

Tabitha

That phonecall

Why is it that women make excuses for men when they don’t call? Perhaps he’s got lot of work and he is in meetings all day. Perhaps he forgot we said Thursday? Perhaps he was hit by a bus on his way to work (ignoring the fact that his work is only a couple of blocks away and there are no buses in those streets). Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps like the old song….But experience has taught me otherwise. If a man cares to be with you again, he’ll call from anywhere. From the middle of a meeting, fr

om under a bus, from the football stadium. And so, as it is Thursday early evening and he hasn’t called, I presume the reasons were other that hold him back. This is where insecurity kicks in and it gets interesting. It’s my bum, it’s too big. Or it’s the vibes I sent out. I sent out negative vibes without realizing it. Or maybe I sounded too sweet on the phone the other day and he got scared. Or too eager. Or both. Oh fuck, back to this old game again, and I don’t even know whether I wanna be playing it. All the beginning agony bit, that I could just do without. Can’t we just skip all that and jump to the happy-ever-after part, from now? But then, life will not be the same, without that first excitement, the pure agony of the first dates, the discovery of one another, the will-he-call questionmarks hanging over your head all day, that first kiss…. The pure joy of falling in love, the bone-braking agony and ecstasy of it all….It’s terrifying and yet inviting like chocolate fudge, can’t get enough of it. 

But back to tonight. What kind of man says let’s go out on Thursday I’ll call you to arrange and then disappears? Well, not a trustworthy one, that’s for sure. And since I’m a strong believer that trust is the basis of any relationship, this one ended before it begun. Besides, I’m so busy these days with new projects, I couldn’t fit love into my life, even If I wanted to. Is just, that I feel disappointed that’s all. The old-fashioned me thinks that this behavior doesn’t befit the tall handsome wild-ocean-eye stranger, who seemed to be a true gentleman, opening the doors and all….So, maybe I’m a bit perplexed here, but no matter how many excuses I (still) make in my head for him, the stark reality is that he didn’t contact and that to me means that he probably had second thoughts about the whole thing and about me. For reasons that I’ll probably never find out. Perhaps he is thinking that once in a relationship he’ll lose his freedom, like most men do. That he'll miss the lectures that he loves going to, his cooking classes, his mates. He couldn’t be more wrong though, if that’s the case. Besides the fact that I’m involved in various new projects at the moment and I’m called to be creative, enthusiastic, driven and determined the whole time, I wouldn’t want to change anyone’s life and adjust it to my own. On the contrary.

It’s funny what us women do to men though. When we meet them at first we like them EXACTLY because they are so independent, with many hobbies, active in sports, with mates, a social life, a life. Then when we get together all this is new and exciting and fun. And then, as we slowly go back to the way we were, we draw the men with us. On the couch with a beer, a pizza and a rented DVD. And since the excitement is gone, sexuality falls to below zero levels. And so does the love, eventually. I mean I’ve seen it happen so many times to my friends and to me. And I’ve learned. Oh boy have I learned. So in my next relationship I’m determined to keep my individuality, my social life, my interests and my friends alive and I so wish for my partner, whoever that might be. I don’t want to ‘possess’ anyone in that sense, and I don’t need the full time company, either. The time that I spent with myself, even when I just do the dishes, is invaluable. Always a revelation. I observe my thoughts more closely now, I listen to me more. I allow time to feel me more. 

Tomorrow I’m off to a meditation and fasting weekend in silence, like a mini vipasana sort-of-thing, and to be honest, I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the noise inside my head to stop, longing for that stillness, that quiet place in the back of your mind, that calm space that you retrieve to where you feel peaceful and quiet. My hopes and aspirations for this weekend are that I will find that calm place and spend as much time there as I can. I’m not afraid facing whatever comes up to the surface, in fact, I want to. Peaceful warrior in training, I’m ready for some serious action! So, if my shadows want to emerge and pay me a visit, I’ll be ready. That’s the spirit! And as for that phonecall, yes, I admit I m a bit upset (though for some reason I didn't wanna go out tonight ) but on the other hand I’m comforting myself with the thought that if he is hesitant and hasn't recognized what a gem I am(!), then he is not for me. I’m not interested in men unsure of them selves and their feelings. I’ve met one too many. And the only reason I’ve stayed was because I could always see the potentiality in them, the greatness, the semi-gods they could become. Instead of looking at the mere reality of human nature and how difficult it is at the end to teach an old dog new tricks. But life is full of surprises and tomorrow is a brand new day! And remember, always, that sunshine follows rain, as night follows day...

With mucho amor,

Tabitha
P.S. He did call at the end, he was just busy at the office. As for what I said, I wont take it back now, there are still some good points here - except that they may not apply in this case anymore...