Gosh it’s been so long since my last post, and I sound like I’m in confession now…But so many things have happened, I like to believe that there are good things, but only time can tell…First, it was the meditation retreat. Wearing nothing but my peaceful warrior’s armor, stripped from egos and ready to endure the long journey inwards, off I went. First time in my life I was silent for so long! One of the rules of a vipasana meditation is that you avoid eye-contact, walk with your head down, and try not to stick-out (sounds like being a tourist in New York!). Hours on end I sat in a meditative pose, letting my mind drift off to the weirdest places called my thoughts, observing them, questioning them, analyzing. Sure, there were moments where I was really meditating, as I’ve been learning to do, during which, there was no thoughts, no me, no persona, no being. Moments where I just vanished and became one with the universe. I’ve enjoyed every –long-minute of it, regardless of the pain in my legs and the stiffness of my body, regardless of the inner pain caused by the discoveries and the realizations of all that I’ve done that I wasn’t proud of. But I had an intention. And as always when I’m under such conditions of trying to get to roots and the truth I had an intention which kept me going on and on till I got to the ‘clearing’ out of the jungle of tangled branches that occupy my mind, and that’s no other than the Light. I always seek to get to the light, meaning, that’s my ultimate goal, it’s the end of the path and it’s the path itself. By shedding a light to the dark corners of my mind – similar to what I do in yoga with my body – helps me get to a deeper understanding not of the ‘why’s but of the ‘how’s. I find that the ‘whys’ are much easier to answer and if you go down that line, it’s endless, as you can always answer a ‘why’ question with another ‘why’ question and so on….But the ‘how’ gives you answers which are immediate, can be followed and acted upon. They also help by eliminating less viable options in a situation as instinctively you know which is the right path to follow, even if your ego resists because it might not like it. The ‘how’ question could apply to everything and it’s a good wake-up call when you are uncertain about a situation.
To sum it all up, the meditation and silence retreat went down well, I’ve been much more ‘in tune’ with my inner self lately and that so far has brought wonderful things my end, in the weeks that followed. Right now I’m dog-sitting at a friend’s villa in a fairytale garden. I'm watching the wisteria growing more purple flowers over the pergola everyday, listening to the angelic voice of Hayley Westenra singing and enjoying this magical country paradise with the golden retriever sleeping on my lap, surrounded by spring floral scents and the song of the frogs at dusk….And it doesn’t end there. Tomorrow I’m going to watch my favorite opera, Carmen, and my work is improving day by day and I can see me even….enjoying it! Now when I go to the office, I laugh and make jokes with my co-workers, I’m approachable, I actually talk to them and they talk to me back. There is no tension (so far) and I feel quite good and I begin to gain my confidence back, realizing that I’m not that bad, after all….The truth is, that I begin to like my life, and that’s a revelation on it’s own. I’m so used to look at all the bad the sad and the ugly, I forget all about the good things that are thrown on my feet daily. I’m not going to go on about gratitude again, but yes, I’ve got so much to be grateful for. All of us. Right now I feel very grateful to my ex, for instance, for letting me go and having the courage to end a relationship that was not happy. Though I spent all winter breaking my head with the ‘if’s and the ‘why’s, the answers came to me loud and clear lately that now I had the space for new things in my life, and that’s why I was so open to everything that the universe brought my way, be it a job in another country, new activities, new friends.
But I had to go through a very frightening period of self-examining and uncovering lurking shadows disguised as behavioral patterns that we follow unconditionally unless they are pointed out and in the open. I went low, like a limbo dancer, as low as you can go, I was hurting, I was gasping for air in the dark cells of my unbearable existence. I pulled through though, all the training I’ve been doing is beginning to pay off now, me thinks, and the moments in the day that are happy, are increasing daily. Isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day? To be happy? Is there anything else? Being happy is our natural state, once you feel it you know, there is no other way we can be. So my goal is to remove all the obstacles of my way to happiness simply by dealing with them. Easier said than done, so many challenges pop up daily that we have to deal with, with honesty and an open heart. And let’s not forget, that love is a practice that requires discipline, commitment, consciousness, truth, intention, integrity and-always- an open heart. Imagine if all people practiced love daily, how different this world would be…just imagine....
To sum it all up, the meditation and silence retreat went down well, I’ve been much more ‘in tune’ with my inner self lately and that so far has brought wonderful things my end, in the weeks that followed. Right now I’m dog-sitting at a friend’s villa in a fairytale garden. I'm watching the wisteria growing more purple flowers over the pergola everyday, listening to the angelic voice of Hayley Westenra singing and enjoying this magical country paradise with the golden retriever sleeping on my lap, surrounded by spring floral scents and the song of the frogs at dusk….And it doesn’t end there. Tomorrow I’m going to watch my favorite opera, Carmen, and my work is improving day by day and I can see me even….enjoying it! Now when I go to the office, I laugh and make jokes with my co-workers, I’m approachable, I actually talk to them and they talk to me back. There is no tension (so far) and I feel quite good and I begin to gain my confidence back, realizing that I’m not that bad, after all….The truth is, that I begin to like my life, and that’s a revelation on it’s own. I’m so used to look at all the bad the sad and the ugly, I forget all about the good things that are thrown on my feet daily. I’m not going to go on about gratitude again, but yes, I’ve got so much to be grateful for. All of us. Right now I feel very grateful to my ex, for instance, for letting me go and having the courage to end a relationship that was not happy. Though I spent all winter breaking my head with the ‘if’s and the ‘why’s, the answers came to me loud and clear lately that now I had the space for new things in my life, and that’s why I was so open to everything that the universe brought my way, be it a job in another country, new activities, new friends.
But I had to go through a very frightening period of self-examining and uncovering lurking shadows disguised as behavioral patterns that we follow unconditionally unless they are pointed out and in the open. I went low, like a limbo dancer, as low as you can go, I was hurting, I was gasping for air in the dark cells of my unbearable existence. I pulled through though, all the training I’ve been doing is beginning to pay off now, me thinks, and the moments in the day that are happy, are increasing daily. Isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day? To be happy? Is there anything else? Being happy is our natural state, once you feel it you know, there is no other way we can be. So my goal is to remove all the obstacles of my way to happiness simply by dealing with them. Easier said than done, so many challenges pop up daily that we have to deal with, with honesty and an open heart. And let’s not forget, that love is a practice that requires discipline, commitment, consciousness, truth, intention, integrity and-always- an open heart. Imagine if all people practiced love daily, how different this world would be…just imagine....
Con mucho amor,
Tabitha
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