That phonecall

Why is it that women make excuses for men when they don’t call? Perhaps he’s got lot of work and he is in meetings all day. Perhaps he forgot we said Thursday? Perhaps he was hit by a bus on his way to work (ignoring the fact that his work is only a couple of blocks away and there are no buses in those streets). Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps like the old song….But experience has taught me otherwise. If a man cares to be with you again, he’ll call from anywhere. From the middle of a meeting, fr

om under a bus, from the football stadium. And so, as it is Thursday early evening and he hasn’t called, I presume the reasons were other that hold him back. This is where insecurity kicks in and it gets interesting. It’s my bum, it’s too big. Or it’s the vibes I sent out. I sent out negative vibes without realizing it. Or maybe I sounded too sweet on the phone the other day and he got scared. Or too eager. Or both. Oh fuck, back to this old game again, and I don’t even know whether I wanna be playing it. All the beginning agony bit, that I could just do without. Can’t we just skip all that and jump to the happy-ever-after part, from now? But then, life will not be the same, without that first excitement, the pure agony of the first dates, the discovery of one another, the will-he-call questionmarks hanging over your head all day, that first kiss…. The pure joy of falling in love, the bone-braking agony and ecstasy of it all….It’s terrifying and yet inviting like chocolate fudge, can’t get enough of it. 

But back to tonight. What kind of man says let’s go out on Thursday I’ll call you to arrange and then disappears? Well, not a trustworthy one, that’s for sure. And since I’m a strong believer that trust is the basis of any relationship, this one ended before it begun. Besides, I’m so busy these days with new projects, I couldn’t fit love into my life, even If I wanted to. Is just, that I feel disappointed that’s all. The old-fashioned me thinks that this behavior doesn’t befit the tall handsome wild-ocean-eye stranger, who seemed to be a true gentleman, opening the doors and all….So, maybe I’m a bit perplexed here, but no matter how many excuses I (still) make in my head for him, the stark reality is that he didn’t contact and that to me means that he probably had second thoughts about the whole thing and about me. For reasons that I’ll probably never find out. Perhaps he is thinking that once in a relationship he’ll lose his freedom, like most men do. That he'll miss the lectures that he loves going to, his cooking classes, his mates. He couldn’t be more wrong though, if that’s the case. Besides the fact that I’m involved in various new projects at the moment and I’m called to be creative, enthusiastic, driven and determined the whole time, I wouldn’t want to change anyone’s life and adjust it to my own. On the contrary.

It’s funny what us women do to men though. When we meet them at first we like them EXACTLY because they are so independent, with many hobbies, active in sports, with mates, a social life, a life. Then when we get together all this is new and exciting and fun. And then, as we slowly go back to the way we were, we draw the men with us. On the couch with a beer, a pizza and a rented DVD. And since the excitement is gone, sexuality falls to below zero levels. And so does the love, eventually. I mean I’ve seen it happen so many times to my friends and to me. And I’ve learned. Oh boy have I learned. So in my next relationship I’m determined to keep my individuality, my social life, my interests and my friends alive and I so wish for my partner, whoever that might be. I don’t want to ‘possess’ anyone in that sense, and I don’t need the full time company, either. The time that I spent with myself, even when I just do the dishes, is invaluable. Always a revelation. I observe my thoughts more closely now, I listen to me more. I allow time to feel me more. 

Tomorrow I’m off to a meditation and fasting weekend in silence, like a mini vipasana sort-of-thing, and to be honest, I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the noise inside my head to stop, longing for that stillness, that quiet place in the back of your mind, that calm space that you retrieve to where you feel peaceful and quiet. My hopes and aspirations for this weekend are that I will find that calm place and spend as much time there as I can. I’m not afraid facing whatever comes up to the surface, in fact, I want to. Peaceful warrior in training, I’m ready for some serious action! So, if my shadows want to emerge and pay me a visit, I’ll be ready. That’s the spirit! And as for that phonecall, yes, I admit I m a bit upset (though for some reason I didn't wanna go out tonight ) but on the other hand I’m comforting myself with the thought that if he is hesitant and hasn't recognized what a gem I am(!), then he is not for me. I’m not interested in men unsure of them selves and their feelings. I’ve met one too many. And the only reason I’ve stayed was because I could always see the potentiality in them, the greatness, the semi-gods they could become. Instead of looking at the mere reality of human nature and how difficult it is at the end to teach an old dog new tricks. But life is full of surprises and tomorrow is a brand new day! And remember, always, that sunshine follows rain, as night follows day...

With mucho amor,

Tabitha
P.S. He did call at the end, he was just busy at the office. As for what I said, I wont take it back now, there are still some good points here - except that they may not apply in this case anymore...