Eagle's eye

Back to the question of where do I stand in life. Am I the director of my movie yet or still just an extra? I’ve been reading a book or two about our inner world and how, whatever we perceive as the outside world, is our own manifestation and I’m wondering-still- how can then my reality be so ….poor? If we are to project on the outside and create our environment and our lives according to our inner psyche, then that’s not working for me or I’m doing something wrong. I feel nothing but love and abundance yet, I’ve got neither of the two in my real life. What am I doing wrong? People point out to me lately that I’m not in the right track, that I’ve made the wrong decisions, that I’m poor, that I have no family, no husband, no money, no job, nothing that matters…..Nothing that matters to whom is a good question. Cause inside of me, I’ve never felt richer, more content, and happier, than most of the time now, though I still have my worries about all the above. I look at life from a slightly different angle now….It’s like photography when you approach your subject from different angles to capture exactly what you want, something like that…it’s easier said than done, and its easier when there are no emotions attached. I’m not trying to beautify my situation here, I know I’m in the shits and I’m working towards correcting it all, that’s not the point. The point is that even if I do get the best job in the world now, even if my soulmate shows up and we spend the rest of our years together, and I win the lottery and all that, I’ll be happy, sure, but I am happy now. Right now, where I’m seating at my friend’s starkly furnished half-derelict-house, drinking my tea, with ten euros in my pocket to last me a week, I’m happy. My heart is open and I’m full of love for all….and the ones that hurt me I think I love the most. My dad. My ex. My girlfriend. My ex boss. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am now. I feel balanced and in peace inside, the turmoil of forty years of uneasiness and self-pity seems to have evaporized towards the horizons and I’m left with a sense of …..being. Just that. And I’m learning to accept me everyday, and to love me more, and to forgive me more. I’m learning to give me credit for the good deeds daily and to stop judging me so severely and constantly. I’m learning to have a dialogue with my shadows and not let them take over. I observe them more and more closely now. But as I live in this urban environment where achievement is everything and I’ve got nothing to show for it, sometimes I do feel bad, I feel embarrassed, worthless, a failure and that all my life’s choices were wrong. Oh, why didn’t I do an MBA and what if I had taken that job and what if I had lived abroad? Well, there is no way of knowing now, for none of us, and the ‘what if’s don’t take us anywhere. The question is what do we do now so we can be on the right path, on the path where our values are aligned with our everyday living and we are in harmony all the time. So, I just ignore these thoughts and I remember to be grateful for another day in paradise, for another day that was granted to us in this world. “All we have to do is decide what to do with the time we were given” said Gandolf to lord Froddo. Which brings back the question of what it is that I want to do next in the next chapter of my life. I’m in between phases now and I want to challenge me more. I want to discover my limits and test my newly found me beyond the borders that I know so far. Externally and internally. I want to surpass my vices, find my inner strength and keep it at all times. Why is it so easy to fall back again and again to the same rathole called ‘nasty habits’? Smoking, drinking, what have you. Even small things like going to bed early, eating more greens, even negative thoughts are nasty habits that sometimes we can’t seem to get out from. And that’s when I practice to look at things from another perspective, as if I was an eagle. A friend once told me a very nice story which has resonated with me. Here it is: Tiger Woods once changed his coach and his new coach, after observing his game advised him to alter his grip by five millimeters. That slight change made him win many tournaments after that. So, that’s what I’m practicing. Changing my point of view by a bit, each time, so I can get a different story in my head about how I view a situation. I hope you are not lost in translation by now and that you get the drift. By practicing seeing the others and yourself from different perspectives your understanding grows and what comes next is that you FEEL more. You feel the others more and you feel yourself. I’m in the process of doing that now. I’m observing me. I don’t always like what I find, but what the heck, I’m far from perfect. Lot’s of shadows creeping up in the process. But once you identify your shadows (last week alone I’ve been a coward more than once), you can correct them, you can do something about them or you can let them linger and feel worse and worse. You have a clear choice. The fast route to happiness or the dark alleys to nothingness. But enough on that.

Sometimes I wonder, whereas at the end karma is something that has been bestowed on us, they way a cast is in Hindus, and there is nothing we can do about it no matter how much we try in this life. I once read somewhere that in this life I have to learn about domesticity and humbleness because in one of my previous lives I was too domineering and powerful. Is this why sometimes nothing seems to go right, or is it me doing it? Am I in the situation I’m in now because I simply have made the wrong choices or did I have to have this path anyway no matter what? One thing I know is that I certainly have picked the long and windy road to happiness. I had chances. Many. To do the right thing. To get married. Have a family. Have a good and steady job. All that. And I said no, many times over. No. Even without any level of consciousness at the time, my free spirited nature wouldn’t allow for compromise. Not once. And so now I face the consequences I suppose. But boy do I feel good.

On a final note, the other day at the biking trip, there was someone who stood out from the crowd. Tall and handsome, reserved and polite, a kind and gentle soul, caring yet proud. With a voice as soft as a summer’s breeze and with eyes like the crystal waters of the ocean, I caught myself thinking of him and that raised more questions, as if I didn’t have enough already. Do I want a relationship at this phase in my life? I mean I’ve got so much stuff to sort out, survival being first, what if I DID meet someone who had a strong impact on me, and who I really liked? What then? Do I wanna fall in love? Have my head in cloud nine and a silly smile printed on my face like a cartoon, listening to love songs and…feeling happy? It’s too much to bear. As I’ve met a few single men over the past few weeks observing them I can see clearly what’s lacking that women want and men don’t give. Masculinity. Initiative. Enthusiasm. Passion. Presence. Having spent the past year with a man that had them all, my antennas towards these traits are more sensitive than ever and unfortunately I don’t pick up any signal. Where are the men? The alpha males? The males who allow themselves to feel…who know what they want and they go after it. Who claim the woman they like with tenacity and fore. Who lead the way. Who are not afraid of doing rare things, they take you out on a date and they blow your mind away just by being present, all the time, with you. Nothing else in the world matters to them (or to you for that matter!). I call them alpha males. And yes I am in search of one. Am I an alpha female myself? Well…..in training, but getting there. I feel ready and mature for love but my broken heart is not quite there yet. It’s been five months since my separation and still it lingers on and on and on and my head is still stuck in the what ifs and the shoulda woulda coulda. More often than not lately, I do let go, but the pain of it all is still alive in me. I’m mourning still and though I would never go back to this guy, he left a mark exactly because, if nothing else, he was an alpha male and I was in a relationship equivalent to a landmine, on my toes all the time for the mine to explode. And eventually it did. Mid November it was. I’ve been picking up my pieces ever since. And it’s been bloody hard. At some point I thought that dating other men would help, but it made it even worse because I was comparing everyone with him, finding them guilty and executing them, and not in a nice way. So, I’ve stopped. The tall and handsome stranger with the wild ocean eyes is the first one that got me giggling like a school girl after a long time. You can tell if you like someone by how strangely awkward they make you feel for no reason….for a person who keeps her cool most of the time, I find that unusual and yet it happens every time I’m around this guy. Strange! Or maybe it’s not meant to be, hence the awkwardness. I don’t know. He is not interested anyway, I know he isn’t. It was nice thinking about the what if’s even just as light entertainment, though….It gave me hope again, that good men are out there, and I know that my soulmate is out there, somewhere, but I’m not in love-search-mode at the moment….I’m in this self-discovery trip that I want to get more into and that’s plenty for now. So, I have to remain in my center, find my strength and face the challenges as they come. And’ that’s all for now. Over and out.

Con mucho amor to all,


Tabitha
P.S. for those of you not familiar with David Deida’s work, look him up.