On times of social and financial turmoil like the ones we are experiencing now, how does one manage to stay calm and unaffected? Even a non-political person like me understands that the significance of what’s going to happen tonight to our country will affect our grandchildren and more, let alone our immediate and near-future. And no, this is not a political blog and it’s not becoming one, all I want to say is that the events of the past few days had their toll on me and I feel very weak and vulnerable lately, unsupported, lonely and lost. The one that hurts the most though is the realization that we are not in control of our destiny anymore….All your life you work hard, studied hard, struggled, gave battles over battles to succeed, believing in a dream within a monetary system that’s now turning to shambles in front of our eyes. And it bloody hurts. So, I’ve been crying a lot, feeling like I do, and if I try to get to the root of it, I think it’s this: I’ve got nothing to look forward to. No hope. No dream. I feel empty inside. No happiness, nothing. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been thinking long and hard about what my dream would be, if I had one. And I come up with…..nothing. Looking back in my history I see a pattern of me following someone else’s dreams always. My partner at the time, or someone who I admired, or at times, I didn’t have one. But lately I did start dreaming again, for a bright future with me doing humanitarian work somewhere deep in the savannas of Africa, teaching English to a class of children, playing, laughing and blissfully happy, radiating love and kindness. My other dream is to travel and take photographs. My other dream is to reside in another country eventually and come back here only to visit, or, ideally, to live in various countries. But, in short, you get the picture. I want out. I want out of a country that I never felt my own. I always felt I fell here by some accident, I’ve never experienced closeness or many similarities with my mentality, the traditions, or the culture of my fellow men, neither have I felt patriotic in any way (except when we win gold medals!). So, I think it’s high time I start drafting a back-up plan for my ‘grand exodus’ which I hope it will come sooner than later. Well, that’s up to me. I’ve met that girl during a mountain-bike trip recently, who lived in Wales. But her dream was to move to Whistler Canada. Being a keen mountain-biker and skier, I could see how a place like Whistler would appeal to her and she really motivated me because she was really pursuing her dream. She is now working hard as a radiologist collecting points for her application to become a Canadian citizen and she has figured it will take her about two more years before she gets there. But what’s nice about that story is that here is a person who is actively doing something on a DAILY basis so she can gain her freedom and truly go after her path to happiness. And I was so impressed by that, it got me thinking. What do I do? Nothing. So, the result of today’s very educational post is that by next time I meet you here, I should have a dream at hand and a plan for how to go about it. Robin Sharma has a very inspiring video on the subject, it’s actually under the title “how to have a better year” or something like that, but it's a great guide on how to plan step by step your way towards your goals. I will meditate on it. I promise.
The other reason why I'm going through frumpy days is because I feel I'm not understood in my relationship. Perhaps I'm exaggerating. Everything was going so well lately, so why do I feel a void inside? What’s missing? I’ve been ‘poking’ wild-ocean-eyes and I’ve been a bit dramatic with tears and all, but I don’t get the reaction I expect and then that upsets me more. And what do I expect? His presence. 100%. We will start an in-depth conversation and he’ll blow it by asking about the grocery list or something like that. And then I close again. I’m sure if there is any woman who reads this, will understand me. I need his undivided attention, to make me feel that there is nothing in the universe right now more important than me, that what I have to say matters, that discussing things openly is the way to keep a healthy and happy relationship going, and that to come to discoveries through discussion with an open heart is the nicest and more intimate thing that’s so fulfilling. But maybe I’m wrong. I’m dating a guy who stays silent when I cry and he tells me ‘it’s gonna be ok’ like I’m a child who just fell-off the bicycle. No, it’s not gonna be ok if we both don’t give our open heart, love and attention to this relationship. Relationships, like plants, need nurturing to grow and flourish. They don’t just happen just because two people spent time together. So, that’s where I’m stuck now. I love a man who can’t feed my desire to go deeper inside. Depths must be plumbed and old wounds to open, but how else can we go on to discover who we really are and to improve ourselves and go forward? I have said this before that my belief is that by removing the obstacles that hide the light, you move towards the light. So, I’m now at a point parallel to the one of the government’s tonight: I’m losing my faith in him. I love him very much but I don’t know if he is the right man for me. And I have to pursue my dream, otherwise if I compromise now, I might as well die. The way I feel right now, I’m not far from it, either. Like I said at the beginning. Empty. And very very very sad.
Till next time,
Con mucho amor,
Tabitha
